The Truth

I am falling apart. A crying jag looking for a place to happen.  I have put off the inevitable all day.  Pushing myself through the daily tasks of motherhood.  Washing load after load of laundry, I try not to think about the one who’s clothes I no longer wash.  Vacuuming up toys I pick up the Buzz Lightyear and toss it into the toy box.  It is his.  My stomach knots up and I ask GOD to please help me. 

The timer goes off in the kitchen.  Chocolate chip cookies beckon from the oven.  My little boys stand ready, eager to have their first bite.  Zane loves my made from scratch cookies.  Zane.  There. I allowed my self to say his name.  I am fine.  I tell myself over and over, ”I am fine.” 

I am not fine.  As the boys devour their cookies I slip into our bedroom, fall across the bed.  There is no use in pretending.  The day is almost over.  I can let it out.  And I do.  I sob into my pillow.  I do not want the boys to see me cry like this.  They have seen too much already.  Lived through more heartache than most adults I know. 

“Help me Father, please!”, I whisper. I feel like I am being washed out into a sea of misery.  I love him so much it hurts.  Zane is beautiful and mysterious. He tolerates my hugs.  Allows me to hold his hand for only a moment.  When he is gone, I place my hand over his seat. To be near him just a little bit longer.  It’s warmth fades much too quickly.

After I have been with Zane, I am a wreck.  The morning after I do not shower.  I don’t exercise.  I tell myself it’s okay.  I am okay.  But I am not.  I drag through the day.  Images of Zane fill my mind.  I have tried welcoming them.  I have tried fighting them.  Either way I only end up exhausted.  By afternoon, I am choking back tears.  When darkness falls so do my tears.  “How long, LORD?  How long will I feel this way?”.  ”Forever.  You are broken and cannot be healed.  It will always hurt like this.  Get used to it.”  Lies.  All lies from Satan.  Marching through my head like a demonic ticker tape.  I once believed the lies.  But no more.  I was made to live in victory, not defeat.  My GOD is close to the brokenhearted.  I am brokenhearted.  HE binds them up.  HE will heal all wounds.  Even this one. 

I whisper this truth to myself.  The darkness begins to lift from me.  I hear the boys laughing in the kitchen.  Teasing each other.  Enjoying the moment.  Loved and happy.  I decide to join them.    

An Open Prayer

Father,

You have shown me that words are powerful, and I am grieved over my tongue.  I have sinned by speaking and not speaking. I have spoken carelessly.  Words fly from my mouth fast and furious.  I am often not even aware of what I have said.  I have left behind me hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and despair.  Father even more grievous to me are the times that I have not spoken.  Times you have urged me to speak a kind word.  A word in love. A word of encouragement. Times you have pushed me to share with a fellow sister or brother,”I know how you feel.  I fight this battle too.”  Instead, I have let pride and fear keep me from being Christ to the hurting.  I have been selfish.  Father please make me bold.  Willing to speak of your love no matter the cost.  Father please make me quick to ask for forgiveness when I fail.  Please make me even quicker to extend forgiveness. Father I thank you for loving me and working on my heart.  I thank you for pursing me always. 

In Jesus Christ’s Holy name I come before you,

Amen

Grateful

Today in my quiet time with GOD, I found myself being overwhelmed by all of the blessings I have been given.  I began to list the wonderful things our Father has done for me.  I would thank HIM for one, and three others would come to mind.  Overwhelmed by HIS love!

This left me with two clear convictions this morning.  I am undeserving.  HE is delighted to bless me.  How HE could call me, a sinner, HIS child… I do not understand.  But I am so grateful HE does.  How HE delights in showering me with blessings when I repeatedly turn my back on HIS love… I do not understand.  But, I am grateful HE does.      

What a beautiful morning. 

Say What?

I grew up in a very small town in rural Arkansas.  There are countless stories I could tell ranging from the poingant to bizarre.  It was a wonderful place to grow up.  I was safe, loved, and surrounded by generations of family.  

Although I no longer live there, I carry the place in my heart and speech.  Rural colloquialisms from my childhood that sometimes surprise even me when they pop out in conversation.  I am now an educated woman with a plethora of words and knowledge of how to use them, but I still find myself throwing out these phrases. 

Pitch that over here-  means to bring or hand an object.  Example, “Pitch those dirty clothes into the washer.”

Turn it over- means to change the channel on the t.v. or radio.  Thanks Mom.

Pitch off-  means to fall.  “Girl get away from the edge of that porch!  You’re gonna pitch off there!”

Have a spell or Pitch a fit- to tantrum or act foolish

A bustin’- spanking.  “If mom sees you doin’ that, you’ll get a bustin’”.

Fall Out- to be surprised beyond words. Stupified.   “When I got my government refund check, I about fell out!”

A chewing-  Verbal correction. To be chastished.  Also know as a “shaming”.

Hunt-  To look for something.  As in, “Every morning, I have to hunt for my keys.”

Wandering eye- a polite way to say sex addict.  “His wandering eye keeps that family in turmoil.”

Tits on a boar hog- Big farm related insult.  Means to be worthless as breasts on a male pig.  This one comes courtesy of Grandpa Buck.  Thanks Grandpa!

Thunder and Mud!- meant to be used as an expletive, Grandma Cora.

rat killin’-  The everyday routine. What you are supposed to be doing.

Messin’ and gommin’- whatever you are doing that is destructive or anoying to someone else.  “Zeke, quit your messin’ and gommin’ and get back to your rat killin’ .” Thank you Dad.

Fish and Company- Words of wisdom from Grandma Winifred.  ”Fish and company start to stink after three days.”

I could go on and on.  But not today.  I have to get back to my rat killin’. 

 

 

       

Tagged

Thanks to Dusty and Marli I have been tagged. Two people want to know more about me!  I can’t believe it.  I feel so popular!  (Is that sad?) So here goes…

What I was doing 10 years ago:

Trying desperately to convince myself that a positive pregnancy test meant “Good news Mandy!  You are NOT pregnant!”.  I was a senior at UCA focused on finals.  Even though I had been married almost three years, I had not planned on being pregnant in college.  So I was busy explaining away morning sickness as Greg’s toothpaste.  Then his cologne.  Then his taste in music first thing in the morning.  I knew my sickness had something to do with him… I just couldn’t put my finger on what it was.  Until GOD used EPT to let me know my life was about to change, forever.

5 things on my “to do list” today:

1.  Exercise with a cheerful heart (pray for me)

2.  Figure out why my two year old has suddenly started to refer to me as “Mommy Amanda” instead of Mommy.

3.  Sort and match 37 pairs of white socks.  Throw away the reamaining eight that have no match!

4.  Try to reach the second level of Lego Star Wars Episode II with my four year old.  He is way better than  me.  

5.  Read two more chapters of “Pilgrim Heart” by Darryl Tippens.  Read it, trust me.

What I would do if I were a Billionaire:

Pray hard.  Pray some more.

 

Three Bad Habits:

1.  Saying “um” and “like” way, way too much.

2.  I read the checkout line magazines when I buy groceries.  With much guilt. 

3.  I assume that everyone else is just like me.

 

5 jobs I have had:

1.  I worked at a glass shop in high school.  Cleaning and Installing car windshields and occasionally, I got to answer the phone.  “Dub’s Glass Shop!  May I help you?”  I found out while working for Dub Atkins, that I have a talent for installing car windshields. I even enjoyed it!  Bet you would never have guessed that about me…

2.  I was a lifeguard at Fun Mountain Theme Park one summer.  It was perfect because I could tan and keep an eye on my boyfriend who was head go-cart mechanic.  Girls would throw themselves at Greg while waiting to have a ride on the track.  Hoping to get a free ride or two.  I didn’t blame them.  A man with power is so sexy.

3.  Convenience store cashier.  I also had to fry breakfast and lunch at that place.  I hated that job.  It required me to be at work by 3:45 A.M. on Saturday and Sunday mornings, make coffee, sell newspapers, and slice lunch meat and rent movies.  Occasionally I even pumped gas. 

4.  In college I worked at a daycare center in the toddler room.  It was my job to feed, change, play with, and potty train tweleve  18-24 month olds.  One of the 18 month old kids could whistle.  I thought I was going crazy.  She would whistle a song if I turned my back to her.  When I looked at her she stopped.  Every time.  She couldn’t say two words, but boy could she whistle.

5.  At the end of college, I worked with Greg at Molex in Maumelle.  We made computer components on a machine called Slot 1.  It was the job that almost broke my spirit.  It was 3rd shift, no talking, just sitting in a factory making the same pieces over and over again.  The most distressing part of the job was my boss.  He was a slave driver.  No potty breaks, no visiting with other workers, go faster, you can make more parts than that!  No matter how hard I worked he believed I could always have done better.  Did I mention that my own dear Greg was my boss?  We had been married for two years, but I never knew him until I worked for him!   

 

I apologize

Today I checked my blog stats. I know, it’s silly. Still, I do it. To my surprise the list of phrases that people googled to find me was quite interesting. Here is today’s list…

turn on a man
how do you turn a man off
how to turn a man off
why a man laughs during foreplay

Wow. I feel the need to apologize to all of the people who came to this blog looking for help today and didn’t find any. These are big problems….Turn on a man, How do you turn a man off, How to turn a man off, and my favorite, why a man laughs during foreplay- I apologize. I vow to use tags responsibly from now on. (Unless blog traffic slows down and my ego needs a boost )

Come and Sit

Come and sit awhile.  Let’s just be together.  I want to hold you.  Feel you next to me.  Rest with me. 

If my husband said these words to me, I would drop everything, and go to him.  If my children uttered these words, I would drop everything and go to them.  If my friend said this, I would drop everything and go to her.  Why is it then, that when my Savior whispers these words- I drop nothing. I do not go to him. 

I am worn out.  Frankly, exhausted.  By people I love and those I struggle to love.  By burdens.  By blessings.  Rest is right in front of me.  Peace and comfort.  Right there.  Yet I continue on with a “to do” list that is impossible to ever get done.  I march on giving what I do not have to give.  Leaving behind a string of messes.  The small voice of reason beckons to me to come and rest.  I simply add it to my ”to do” list, with an increasing dose of guilt. 

So here I am.  Broken and tired.  Waiting for some divine burst of energy to allow me to do all of the things that need to be done. When something beautiful happens.  I receive the divine. Not a burst of energy.  Something much better. ”Come and sit with ME.”    

An invitation to rest.  Not a command for more effort.  An invitation to be served.  Not provide more service.  A chance to be renewed. Forgiven. Loved passionately. Hmm… 

I need to end this post here.  I have something important to do.  I am going to sit with our Father.

How to Turn a Woman On

My last post was such a hit I decided to follow up with an equally important list…How to turn a woman on!  I think this will be interesting because the answers are so surprising.  Not to mention easy and cheap.  Hmm…reminds me a someone I used to know.  Anyway, here they are in no particular order. 

1.  Be involved with your kids.  Play with them, talk with them, love them extravagantly. 

2.  Pick one. Load the dishwasher.  Pick up dirty clothes from the living room floor.  Sweep the kitchen. Take out the trash.  For a woman to see her man caring about the house, the message is loud and clear, “I care about where we live.  I care about you.”. 

3.  Hug her often.  Wrap your arms around her.  Squeeze.  Walk away.

4.  Read to her.  Trust me.

5.  Every three months, write her a love letter.  Okay, don’t freak out here guys.  I am going to help you.  This is how you do it:

Dear _____,

I just want you to know that I think you are a great mom.  I see all the things you do to take care of our family and I want to thank you.  It’s hard for me to always show it, but I appreciate all you do. 

Your husband

6.  Once a year, for your anniversary, write an “I would pick you all over again” letter.  Still with me?  Good.  Here goes:

Dear _____,

I will never forget the way you looked when_____.  You are even more beautiful now.  I am the luckiest guy in the whole world.  I would choose you all over again.  These last ___ years have been awesome. Thanks for sharing them with me.

A love letter is the female Viagra.  Try it!

7.  Look her in the eyes when you are talking to her.  It really doesn’t matter what you say.  It’s all about how it is said.

Ok, I am out of wisdom here.  Anyone want to share?  (Remember to keep it PG)

 

 

18 Ways to Turn a Man Off

1.   Ask him, “Do you think I am fat?”.  Repeat at least seven times per day.

2.   Insist that he wear only the clothes you buy for him.  Especially chenille sweaters. Lovely.

3.   Take him with you to buy new couch pillows.  Spend eight hours choosing the perfect ones.  Decide in  the checkout line you’d rather buy new curtains. Return home empty handed.

4.   Question his taste in friends at least twice a week.

5.   Sigh.  Disgustedly. Often.

6.   Look lovingly at him and ask, “What are you thinking about?”

7.   Expect his response to be, “You, dear.  Only you.”

8.   Assume he knows why you are angry.

9.   When he asks what is wrong with you, say, “Nothing.”

10. At least once a week, during prime time television, tell him you’d like to talk about your “feelings”.

11. Tell your friends every detail of your marriage.  Tell your man what your friends said.

12. Always assume that unless you tell him to do something, he will not do what needs to be done.

13. Call him Pumpkin, Sugar Daddy, or Big Boy in front of his friends and co-workers.

14. Tell his boss that he’s really a big softie and cried during Titanic.

15. Talk about your “cycle”.

16. Obsess over all his ex-girlfriends.

17. Talk about the kids during foreplay.

18. Take EVERYTHING personally.

Okay, let’s hear it.  What are some more ways to turn a man off?  I know that you all have some good ones…

   

 

Rig Speak

My husband Greg works on a drilling rig.  It is a dirty, complicated dangerous job- just the kind he likes.  He has always had just the right mixture of respect and rebellion within him.  A mix that is perfect for the drilling field.  He is not afraid to climb an eighty foot derrick to replace a light bulb.  In fact he thrives on shutting a well in during emergencies. But he is constantly watching over his men to make sure they make it home safely to their families at night. He is concerned about the environment.  He cares about impacting the earth and people as little as possible at his rig site.  (He is always looking for new ways for us to go green and kick our fossil fuel addiction.  In fact he has a plan to build a diesel engine that runs on used cooking oil. Another post..)

For fourteen days a month he lives and breathes the rig.  So we too have learned the various ins and outs of coaxing out natural gas from miles below the earth’s surface. The rig has a culture of its own.  Including a language full of expletives and colorful metaphors. (It is hard work and they are hard men) I want to share a few of my favorites that have made their way into my family’s language. Metaphors not expletives…

Twist Off-  means to quit / not show up for work

Drag Up-  giving two weeks notice

Dog Leg-  a change in direction

Spud In-  start a project

Monkey Board-  narrow pathway

The ways to incorporate these phrases into my life are just endless and I am quite a dork.  For instance, when I spud in to Christianity I was unprepared for the dog leg my life would take.  It has been hard but blessed to walk the monkey board.   Even though I have at times found myself dragging up, GOD has always been faithful.  HE has never twisted off but continues to love me.  Thank you GOD!

And thank you Greg for letting me take an ultra macho topic and “girl it up”!  By the way, does anyone say dork anymore?